Tomb Raider Insanity: TR1
by Jessy Antichrist
Summary: I take every level from the games, then twist them my way for fun. Meant to be funny, not realisitc. R&R! I command you! (Currently on hold)
1. The Caves

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tomb Raider or Lara Croft. But I do have a statue of her! I had to outrun someone to get that. Go me!**   
  
**Author Insanity: WEEEEEE!!!!! I was looking back at my old video's I'd taped of the Tomb Raider games (Yes, I taped parts of the games. They make me laugh. Don't like it? Bite me.), and decided I wanted to write fanfics about all the parts where she died. Why? *shruggs* Too much free time on my hands. These will make no sense, nor will they have a point. I don't expect them to be good, but hey, judge for yourself. *jumps off cliff* *climbs back up* Oh yeah, these will be short. *jumps back off* MEEEEEEE!!*  
  
The Caves  
  
Hmm. Lara poked the man's arm. Well, he sure was dead. She shrugged and walked in through the heavy stone doors. The doors slammed shut behind her, making her jump a little. She slipped off her sunglasses and tossed them into her backpack, then started forward on her adventure -- and was snapped sharply back.  
  
She winced and turned her head, only to find her braid closed in the doors.   
  
"Oh hell!" She wrapped both hands around it and tugged. It didn't budge. Lara braced one foot against the doors and pulled as hard as she could, ripping free her braid and landing with a loud WHUMP on her butt in the snow. 'Great start girl. Next why don't we walk off a cliff.' ((HEY!! Maybe she will! Who knows!)) Lara brushed herself off and half walked, half slid down the slope in front of her, following the wolf tracks further into the cave.   
  
The dart trap was simple to get past, evidently whoever invented it didn't think that a person could just crawl under them. Dumbass. She kept her pistols out while stomping through the next area, downing the few bats that flapped at her. She glanced into the area to her left, but there was nothing of interest ((Author is hiding in hole with squirt gun. But I have my eyes closed, so nobody can see me!)), so she moved on.   
  
The next area was curved downward and covered in slippery moss, and appeared to the untrained eye a dead end. Lara however knew better. She slid down the first slope and yanked away some of the vines covering a hole in the floor. She dropped into it and walked down the narrow hallway beyond. The door was shut, but the switch was right next to it.   
  
"Why even have the switch if it's right next to the door?" She shook her head and pulled the switch, then turned to face the door. "Oh..." was all she got out before the door swung up from the floor and knocked her back several feet. ((Ingenious!!))   
  
Lara stood up and shook her head a few times to clear the stars then stumbled forward. So far, this was NOT going well at all. The next area had a large doorway blocked off by a fence, which she learned after several shoulder thrusts, was not giving way. Lara sighed and looked up, spotting a hole in the roof, as well as some rocks and ledges that looked climbable leading up to it. ((Suspicious, no?))   
  
She pulled herself up and poked her head up. Nothing. Well, there were rocks and the like, but you know, nothing important. ((HEE!)) She stepped out onto a ledge high above a well lit room with two bridges spanning the enormous gap between ledges. She ignored the wolves howling below her and made her way across the room. Lara jogged through the next open doorway and stopped when she hit the end of the ledge. Across from her were ornate pillars with a large glowy purple crystal. ((GAME SAVE!!!!!! Remember kids, saving your game saves videogame's lives.)) She was about to leap across when she noticed a doorway in the lower right corner of the ditch below her. 'Well why not.'  
  
Lara dropped down and looked in, not noticing the large bear behind her until it was right on her. ((I know what you're thinking. Bear mauls her to death right? *shruggs* I dunno.)) For some odd reason, she didn't even think about drawing her pistols, she turned tail and ran down the hallway.   
  
The door was closed.   
  
However, there was a large concrete slab with an tribal design on it. 'Pressure sensitive I bet.' She raced the last few feet and hurried onto the switch. Her heart leapt into her throat , soon followed by her stomach as the tile dropped beneath her, dropping her face first into the spikes.   
  
**********  
  
Wow. I can't believe I wrote that. As you could tell, I wasn't going for realism. Now before you complain or flame me, I don't think of Lara as being this stupid, this idea just popped into my head, so.....here ya go. I'm going to write more of these, regardless of what people think, but I would like reviews. I love the little reviews. I love them good. Now, if you would like to flame me, go right ahead. I need something to laugh about.   
  
I'm going to seperate all of these chapters into the games they belong. Hence: The Caves level is from Tomb Raider 1, and...you get the pic. More insanity to come soon. BAI!!!!!  
  
~~Jessy A. 


	2. City of Vilcabamba

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tomb Raider or Lara Croft. I wish I had her house though, cuz then it would be my house. And I would live in that house and it would be a part of me........I recreated it in The Sims though. It has a pool.**  
  
**Author Insanity: I'm back! I wanna give a big thank you to my first commenter FleeingFaith. THANK YOU!(See? Big thank you....oh that was just a bad joke. *hangs head*) *passes out cookies*YAY!.....I like to say Vilcabamba. I think it's the bamba part, I can't say it without smiling. I smile now.*rides off on flamingo**  
  
  
  
City of Vilcabamba  
  
  
  
Lara waited until the doors shut firmly behind her ((making sure to keep her braid clear of course. I do be evil.)), before stepping out of the doorway to survey the familiar looking textures on the ground and rocks.((Come on! There was no variety in the textures!)) Out of the shadows from four corners of the room lept a wolf.   
  
She quickly jumped to the side and pulled out her pistols and spun around just in time to see the wolves smash into each other into a crumpled heap of fur in the middle of the room. By now, both her eyebrows were up in her hair ((Wouldn't yours be?)).   
  
"O...k.....well.....that solves that. That'll save me ammo." She put both guns back up and stepped into the room with the pool. There seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary, aside from the bear eating out of a trough in the stables. Go figure. In one of the alleys she found a lever to a door that led to a room. ((Oh that was origional Jessy.))  
  
Lara kicked the cheap looking staircase a few times to ensure it would support her, then headed up it, stopping breifly to magically shove a medical sack the same size as her backpack into it, then stepping onto the windowsill. She had quite a drop under her, so of course she jumped to the next window. As soon as she landed, the floor began to crumble beneath her. Lara took a running leap, but tripped and did a bellyflop onto the concrete below her. ((Ouch. Good thing she has cushioning, eh? Did I mention I'm evil?))  
  
She stood up and brushed herself off. 'Ok. That could have gone better,'  
  
She ignored the ledge above her head, instead focusing on the blue section of wall in front of her. The bright blue section of wall with two handles. ((Who were they fooling with that?)) Too easy. Lara smiled to herself and took hold of the handles and pulled back with all her weight. The handles snapped right off, sending her flying back into the wreckage behind her.   
  
She angrily blew the loose pieces of hair out of her face and glared at the damn block. Ok. She took a deep breath, the ran at the block full speed, slamming her shoulder into it, and after a painful twenty minutes, shoved the block out of the other side of the tunnel. She sank to her knees and gasped for breath while looking around. The alcove to her left held another magically shrinking med kit, and the alcove to her right held a little golden idol and a small white key. It sorta looked like an ancient indian oscar. That too was put in her backpack. ((Y'know, it's kinda like Mary Poppins purse.)) ((I forget what happens here, so I'll make something up. Don't shoot me.))   
  
Not knowing where to go next, Lara pulled from her backpack the Magical Divining Rod, found a hidden door, and left the room. She ran back to the door she'd found earlier on and used the small white key to open it. 'Great. More darts.' Lara crawled under those too and stepped into a room with a temple in the back. Oh yeah, and wolves.   
  
She whipped out her trusty pistols and took out each one of the drooling mongrels with much blood splatty goodness. ((What was I supposed to say? 'With the prowess of the gymnast she was, Lara lept into the air, dispatching the threat within a hairsbreadth of her life.' That would've been stupid. Heee.))  
  
There were three open doorways along the front of the temple. 'Eeny Meeny Miny Mo........Middle one it is.' It was clear. She sighed in relief and holstered the guns, walking down the hallway, whistling a little tune. Wait.....she wasn't whistling. 'Oh shit.' The moment she stopped, the blade dropped from it's resting place in the alcove and slammed straight into her, showering the adjoining wall with the blood of an adventurer who just didn't pay attention.  
  
***********  
  
So......uh....yeah. That was the second chapter. I think I'll work on the third one later tonight. *screams for no reason* I LOVE INSANITY!!!!! It makes life worth living. I may get some facts wrong, but I can't find the guidebooks for the games and I'm doing all this from memory. And I get lazy everynow and then.   
  
I just love doing this story. Now, don't get me wrong. I love the Tomb Raider games and don't make fun of them, but I just had to. Torturing little virtual people that arn't real is a safe way to let out agression. WWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Until the next chapter!   
  
~~Jessy A. 


	3. Lost Valley

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lara Croft or Tomb Raider, just the craziness that is this story. *dances* I'm dancin' like a monkey!!!!!!**  
  
**Author Insanity: WAHHHH!!!!! I had finished this chapter a few days ago, but then my computer crashed and died! *sobs and beats floor* WHY MY COMPUTER! I loveded you computer! I loveded you! *jumps up* But if you thought that would stop me, you were wrong! I'm re-doing this chapter! HEE!! *dances away**  
  
Lost Valley  
  
Lara stepped out of the cave-hallway-thingy ((Whatever the hell you call that thing)), and sighed in relief when the only thing that greeted her was an inground river. ((as opposed to what? floating in midair?)) The area to the right led to the top of the waterfall overlooking a pool and several wolves milling about. The left however, took her deeper into the cave following the river.   
  
She eventually emerged into a high up area overlooking the mouth of the river, with a rope bridge leading to what looked like a wall mounted machine. Lara approached the glowy purple crystal before the bridge and tapped it lightly. Hmm. Felt like Jell-O sorta. She spent a few more minutes poking it, then headed across the bridge.   
  
On the left wall was another one of those huge switches. She shrugged and pushed down. Lara could hear the gears move slightly, right before the switch snapped off the base and sent her face first onto the ground below her. ((EEP!))  
  
"Dammit to hell!" She swore, blowing a puff of dust away at the same time.   
  
She picked herself up and brushed the dirt and dust out of her hair. It was then that she noticed there were several cogs missing from the machine. 'Well that explains that.' She picked up the switch and jammed it back into the socket....er....whatever it is. She'd fix it later. ((But will she live that long? Hehehehe....))  
  
There was nothing else to do around here, but as she was about to cross back over the bridge and leave, she spotted a glint of white in an alcove below her. Being naturally curious ((and very stupid in this fic)), she managed to work her way down to the little ledge on the other side of the water.   
  
Lara kicked lightly at the skeleton that lay there, holding a shotgun no less. Well he didn't need that anymore, so she leaned down and tried to pry the gun from the skeletol grip. However, the the gun wouldn't come loose.  
  
"No! It's mine! It's mine I tell you! You can't have it!"   
  
Lara wheeled backwards with a shriek. ((Author is dancing with the skeleton. TANGO!!)) The skeleton was moving around. The skeleton was moving the fuck around??? She grabbed one of her pistols and smacked it over the head once, twice, and.....well, a lot more times till it was lying still. Just like a good little skeleton should.   
  
When she had beaten it's head in to her satisfaction, she picked up the shotgun, strapped it to her back, and was heading back up to the bridge. Her foot however slipped on the wet rock and sent her crashing into the river below. ((Come on, what did you expect?))   
  
Lara couldn't manage to grab ahold of the bank on the left, so she did the only other thing she could, she turned around and swam against the current. Yeah, like that did any good. She was swept away anyway, but when she hit the edge of the waterfall, she didn't go straight into the pool, but instead was slung up against the ceiling of the cave, knocking her senseless, THEN she fell into the pool below.   
  
She came to the top sputtering for air and clambered up onto a rock on the opposite side of the pool ((Or lake if you prefer.)) She breathed a deep sigh of relief and glanced briefly at the wolf looking over her shoulder, then went back to relaxing. Wait.....wolf..... Lara's eyes bugged out of her head and she lept up and ran forward to the only exit in the cave and dove into it.   
  
Well, she tried to anyway, the wolf had lept forward and latched onto the hem of her shorts. Lara kicked back at the wolf as best as she could from this angle. She could either a) keep climbing forward and lose her shorts ((Nude raider! WAH!)) or b) stay and try to wrestle them free from the wolf.   
  
She finally managed to land a kick straight in the offending beast's throat, therefore causing him to let go of her too-short-shorts and sending her tumbling down into the hole. Lara sighed in relief and climbed up the hill infront of her, only to feel something latch onto her right ankle. She looked down and screamed.   
  
"That's my gun! Mine! Gimmeeeeeeeee!!" That same damn skeleton!!   
  
Lara shook her leg in a vain attempt to to dislodge it. When that didn't work she managed to inch her way over to the wall and swung her leg towards it, smashing the skeleton against it again and again until it's head was a big pile of dust. She stood panting for a minute, glaring down at the offending carcass, before kicking it away from her. "Damn skeletons trying to take halloween away from the devil." She muttered and made her way down the other side of the rock wall. ((I don't know why I said that. But I did. *chases people with a giant mallet*))   
  
The next area was a huge open roofed cavern..type thing....whatever moving on. All the plants seemed slightly....flat....huh.......well that's exotic flora for you.   
  
Lara felt the urge to draw her pistols and walk out in a cool way in the next area. ((Picture how Ulala walks in the first level of Space Channel 5. That made me smile.))   
  
She'd gotten about halfway through, towards yet another waterfall when the ground started to shake. She stopped moving and backed up a few steps. The shaking got worse and progressively closer. Not too long after, from around the corner came none other than......((A GIANT CHICKEN!!!......I'm kidding.....but that would be cool. A giant killer chicken, like in Drakan the Ancients Gate.))  
  
A T-Rex. Lara blinked. Well fuck at this point what would you expect. She raised her pistols and fired.....and watched the bullets zing off the hardened hide. The creature stopped to laugh at her, giving her time to dive under it and get away. She ran as fast as she could, past the easy escape routes such as the waterfall and temple ((No! How dare she be smart after all!)), and instead clambered up to the hole high in the wall to the left of the temple.   
  
She made it in with the T-Rex's teeth snapping closed mere inches from where she'd been. She backed away down the hallway when the monster stuck it's head into the crevice. Lara didn't stay around to see what happened, instead turning and climbing up to the beginning of a bridge high above the area she was just in. She could just make out what looked like a cog from the machine in the beginning she'd come across. She heard a roar in the distance and looked down to see the T-Rex was effectively stuck in the hole, trying it's best to push it'self out.   
  
'No wonder they're extinct. Stupid reptiles.' She took a running leap across the gap in the bridge and went to scoop up the cog. Well, I just need a few more. She was about to leap back across when her foot stuck in the ropes on the bridge, sending her flying over and under it, where she hung a few stories off the ground.   
  
Oh great. Lara tried to twist her foot free, thanking God that the T-Rex was still stuck in the hole.......She looked up as best she could.   
  
"Oh hey there......nice dinosaur........." She was going to die. She saw the jaws opening and coming down on her.....when the ropes of the bridge broke free and sent her sailing into the cavern wall, where she was splattered all over the rock.   
  
~~~~~  
  
Wow. It has taken me a long time to finish this. I'd been taking a break from writing to work more on my art, but now I'm back! A big thanks to all those who have reviewed, especially Bounty Hunter. You're reviews have always brought a smile to my face. I'll get to work on the next chapter as soon as I can remember what happens. Until then...........never forget that aliens take over in subliminal ways...like with cereal. *eyes Cheerios* I know you're in there, and I won't fall victim to your mind probe!! AHA!   
  
~~Jessy A. 


	4. Tomb of Qualopec

***Disclaimer: Well, it's been a while but guess what.......I still don't own Tomb Raider or Lara Croft!!!***  
  
***Author Insanity: Man I havn't written anything in a while. But I didn't want to leave all my devoted fans hanging you know. ......what? I can dream can't I? For more info, check the bottom of the story. I COMMAND YOU!!!!!!***  
  
***Note: As always, some things may be wrong in the story. I'm doing all this from memory, so cut me some slack. And of course, some things I'll make up just for the hell of it! Oh yeah.....and I've been watching WWE Raw way too much......you've been warned.....***  
  
Tomb of Qualopec  
  
Lara pulled herself out of the water and headed deeper into the cave beneath the waterfall. Past the twists and turns of the rocky enclosure, she came to a door that looked suspiciously like all the switches she'd been pulling. 'Creativity was not lost of these people I see.....hmph.'   
  
She shouldered her way through and stepped out into a new room. She was about to investigate further, when a screech to her right distracted her, causing her to spin around. From the alcove to her right ((duh)), were two large red dinosaurs. ((What do ya wanna bet they're Raptors?)) She grabbed her pistols and opened fire on the first one as it charged, aiming straight up it's nose, and most likely hitting the brain. ((....wait.....is it's brain in the tail?....where did I hear that.....))  
  
The first one fell, and of course the second one came right after her, not paying attention to it's dead comrade. She cocked the guns and took aim. Click. And just to make sure, click click click.   
  
"Damnit......Well then, let's make this interesting shall we?" She stood up to her full height, and slid the straps of her backback off and flung it to the ground.   
  
The raptor stopped in it's tracks and blinked. Lara grinned and motioned for him to come on. It stomped it's foot and charged.  
  
Lara sidestepped the first charge, and was prepared for the second. She grabbed the dino by it's throat, lifted it, and slammed it back down onto the stone ground. ((Told ya....way too much wrestling.)) She dropped to the ground and pinned the leg up.   
  
The ref stepped in and counted 1....2.......3!! And the fight was over. Lara raised her hands over her head and cheered triumphantly. The dino got up, growling to itself and wandered off down another hall.   
  
Lara shook herself, and strapped her backpack on again. With that out of the way, she could get a closer look at the place. It looked to be an intersection between four differant hallways, one almost indistinguishable from the other, each with elaborate stone carvings on either side of the doorway. The one directly in front of her led uphill, so she took that one first.   
  
So far, nothing was happening, until she hit the halfway mark. Something clicked underfoot. That was NEVER a good sign. She looked up and ahead a few feet to see a gap in the ceiling, and could just bearly make out the form of a boulder strapped in it. Lara quickly turned and sprinted down the hallway. She ducked to the right when she made it out, and rested back against the wall, waiting for the danger to pass.   
  
10 minutes later nothing had still happened. She finally gave up and walked over to the front of the passage, and was hit head on by a big ol' rock.   
  
******  
  
Yes, this was a short chapter. Sorry, but I seriously jammed my wrist the other day, not to mention slicing open my ankle, and I'm a tad bit drugged up with painkillers at the moment. I just wanted to post something to make sure people knew I hadn't given up on this story.   
  
Most of my time has been spent on my art, as writing fanfiction is simply a hobby. But I am determined that I'm going to finish this story. This is the first multi-chapter story I've done since my Fushigi Yuugi fanfic, Angel's Return. Yes, that would make me the Reikaku no Miko. That story will never be finished. But this one will be! I promise the next chapter will be longer! Please R&R......it'll make my wrist and ankle feel better. *big sad puppy dog eyes*   
  
~Jessy A. 


	5. Commercial Break

***Disclaimer: I don't own Tomb Raider or the commercial this is based on.***  
  
***Author Insanity: Why I wrote this, I have no idea! I like it though. I havn't slept in like.......72 hours, and I've had about 5 pots of coffee today alone, so this probably won't make much sense. But then again, which of my stories ever do! :) And don't worry, the next chapter will be up soon. ***  
  
Tomb Raider Insanity:  
  
Commercial Break  
  
  
  
It had taken so long to find this place. Months of researching possible locations, and even more months getting to the right place. But she was finally here.   
  
Lara pulled herself out of the water and clambered up onto the cold ground. She looked up and breathed a sigh of relief as her gaze fell upon the prize resting on the alter before her.   
  
She carefully made her way through the torch lined room, her eyes never leaving the glowing orb, for fear that if she did, it would disapeer. Afraid that it might only be a figment of her imagination.   
  
The orb was said to possess the very spirit of the Gods, and whomever controlled the orb, could call upon all the powers of those Gods for their own use. It would be disastrous if it fell into the wrong hands. She'd been in a museum a while back and had overheard some men talking about this. Since that day, she knew she'd have to get it before anyone else did.   
  
The orb looked to be a crystal so fine, it might break just by touching it.   
  
Lara was careful as she picked it up, and she found it to be quite heavy. There was something inside of it, kinda like that goo out of Ghostbusters 2.   
  
Then it hit her.   
  
  
  
She dropped the orb, not even hearing the crash as she ran out of the room at full speed.   
  
Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?  
  
*******  
  
  
  
*smashes head into keyboard*   
  
~Jessy A. 


	6. St Francis Folly

***Disclaimer: One day I'm gonna say I own Tomb Raider and Lara Croft........but not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday!***  
  
***Author Insanity: Ok, this is gonna be a tough chapter. Sooooo many ways to kill her. This level was always my fav place to see the differant ways she could die. Yes I am very sick. But hey, there was someone that made a page devoted to the many deaths of Lara Croft......That site rocked.   
  
I'll do my best to make this a long chapter, you know, to make up for the last one being so short. R&R please!***  
  
St. Francis' Folly  
  
High above the hotel a small spark could be seen, as if it was floating somewhat above the elevator.  
  
Standing atop the elevator was the world's greatest explorer, Lara Croft. Who at the moment, had the brilliant idea to use a blow torch to cut through the cables. Well, it would have been brilliant if she'd remembered to use the torch BELOW her hand. ((Kids, only use a blowtorch to cut through elevator cables with adult supervision!!))   
  
After about 10 minutes of constant heat from the torch, the cords began to snap and seperate. Lara steadied herself for the trip up, then snapped the last wire.   
  
The elevator, and Lara, plummeted down, leaving only her glasses to hover for a second, then follow.   
  
1 Week Later  
  
"Almost there......eh.....just a little....more....." Lara fumbled for fingerholds up the side of the mountain, that for some reason, was all black and green and really smooth. ((Was I the only one that freaked out? I am?......oh.)) She finally reached up and grabbed onto the smooth surface of the top.   
  
"Yes!! I made it---WAHHHHHH!!" She threw her arms up in triumph, and just bearly managed to catch herself back against the rock before she fell. Lara pulled herself up to her elbows and sighed in relief, just then noticing the rope to her right. She pulled herself the rest of the way up and looked at the rope again.   
  
"Aw damnit......I completely forgot." She reached into her backpack and pulled out the script. "DAMNIT!!!!" She tucked the script back in, then swung her legs back over the side of the cliff. She half climbed, half slipped her way down the side of the mountain, dusted herself off, then grabbed ahold of the rope.   
  
1 Week Later   
  
  
  
Lara, gasping for breath, pulled herself up the last few inches of cliff to grab ahold of, and pull herself over the cliff edge. She flopped down onto her back and relaxed her aching muscles.   
  
What had taken so long? She kept getting knocked off the rope! First, it was the goddamn birds pecking at her. Then it was snake that slithered into her shorts, and don't even get her started on the moron that decided to throw scalding hot beans over the edge.   
  
After relaxing for a little while longer, she sighed and pulled herself up, then stomped over to the abandoned campsite infront of the temple doors. She picked up the empty can of beans and glared at it.   
  
"Pierre, you son of a bitch! I'm gonna break my foot off in your ass when I catch you!!" She then hurled the can over the edge, and stepped right into the still smoldering embers of the fire. "AHHHHHH! DAMNIT!!!!" She stomped her foot against the ground until the flames died out. She reached down and yanked her boot off, only to find the entire sole of it had been eaten through. Could this get any worse...... ((Of course it can! Heehee.))   
  
Lara cursed again, then tossed her shoe to the side. She'd just have to do without. Hell, she'd been through worse. She lifted her head up and made her way to the huge doors keeping her from the inside.   
  
  
  
The doors swung open surprisingly easy, with just a small puff of dust thrown off the ground from the action. ((Insert cool scene shown from inside with just a sillohuete (sp?) and stuff.)) She took a few steps in and peered into the darkness, hooking her sunglasses in the front of her tanktop.   
  
"What is it with these people and all the beige colored stuff........and all the square stuff...." She muttered to herself. And speaking of beige stuff......something very beige and very very fast was moving at her from the far back corner.   
  
She swung her head from side to side, settling onto a ledge jutting out several feet high from the wall and vaulted up onto it. The sandy lion paced around underneath her, growling every now and then.   
  
She didn't see anyway she could outrun the beast, but she couldn't afford to waste the bullets this early on in the level....er adventure...yeah. Lara then noticed a block placed not to far from her. Maybe if she jumped she could make it.....hmm.... She backed up as far as she could, then turned herself so she was aligned with the stone, then took off as fast as she could, leaping the second she ran out of floor.   
  
Underneath her the lion lept and snapped at her foot, missing by bearly an inch and smashed into one of the pillars, but she avoided it and landed smoothly on the block...before her foot lost it's traction and sent her sliding straight off of it to land on her ass in the gravel. ((Picture it in slow mo, it makes it seem cooler.)) Lara flung herself over and onto her back, at the same time withdrawing her pistol and jamming it straight into the throat of the lion as it pounced.  
  
Lara didn't waste a second and pulled the trigger once, twice for luck, three to be sure, and.....once more just for fun. ((Heehee!! Bam bam!!)) If only all the blood and squishy brain matter hadn't fallen back onto her, turning the wellworn aqua tanktop to a rusty red.   
  
She blinked and wiped her face off, then pushed the heavy carcass off her. "Hmph. Yeah, things can get worse I see." She grumbled and pulled herself up, doing her best to wipe off all the icky stuff on her shirt.   
  
She tucked her gun back into it's holster and took a better look at the room. ((Yes, I know Pierre is supposed to be in this area. Guess what though? He's not! WAHOO!!))   
  
The block she'd jumped too was resting in a little rectangular ditch, with a large Omega symbol imprinted on the ground.   
  
After poking at it for a few minutes, she determined that it wasn't important, and decided to get out of this place. ((And I didn't want to bother with the monkeys.))   
  
High above her stood a single ledge, resting a good hundred feet above her on the wall, and on closer inspection, the pillars in the room varied in height, the highest being the same level as that ledge.   
  
"I can finally get the fuck out of this place....thank god."   
  
Lara hoisted herself up onto the first pillar, and nearly tripped over another one of those little medi kits. ((Who the hell is putting those there in the game?? That's what *I* want to know.))   
  
The pillars weren't that hard to jump too, so it took only.......30 minutes to get there. ((WAHHHOOOOAAHAHAHAH!!))   
  
  
  
Inside the roomthingy, she could see a window of another straight across. What she couldn't see however, was what was below the slopey drop off. Hmm. Better to go with what she could see.   
  
"Alrighty here we go!" Lara took off at full speed, ready to leap.....((but being the evil author that I am)), her foot just hit the edge of the slope, sending her forward and onto the slope, which sent her right off the edge.   
  
Now, the rational part of her was thinking, 'Thank god it's water. Look at the pretty water.' while the part of her that was about to hit that water thought, 'Look at the pretty water with the crocodile in it------WWWAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!'   
  
Lara hit the crocodile head on with a huge splash as they both went under.   
  
*Author hits FastForward button because she is getting very impatient*   
  
  
  
Lara stepped out into one of the biggest rooms ever.   
  
The ceiling seemed to be miles ahead, and she couldn't even see where the floor was. And there were so many differant ledges and levels she couldn't count them all. Of course, the first thing that came to mind for her was..  
  
"Holy crap! Lookat the ledgies!!!" She peered off the ledge, and almost lost her lunch.   
  
Looking closer, she could see what seemed like an opening a few levels below her.   
  
*Author hits fast forward button again*   
  
Lara poked her head in through the stoney doorway that read Damacle.....Dameclis....Whatever. There really wasn't much in the room, aside from lots of pillars and lots and lots of little black dots all over the floor.   
  
She couldn't figure out what those little dots were.... so of course she stepped closer. ((Dun dun dun!!!!))   
  
"Hey....lookit that..HAOWAH!!!!"   
  
Lara flung herself backward as the knife dropped from the ceiling, slamming her back into the nearest column to dodge it, well....THAT sword anyway.   
  
She didn't even see the other one dropped, twisted as it fell and slamming the broadside straight onto her skull.   
  
"....hehehe......" She dropped to the ground with a loud thud.   
  
Sometime later she managed to crawl her way to the last room in this damn hellhole. Lara didn't even bother looking at what the writing above the door said. She really just didn't give a damn. So far, this had been the absolute WORST mission she'd ever been on. After that damn Domiclauswhatever room, she'd hit Neptune's room and nearly been eaten by a huge eel in the tunnel, and then there was the room with all the lightening.   
  
'Heh...kinda wonder if my eyebrows will ever grow back after that one..' She stopped and looked around. God it was dark in here.   
  
The only thing she could make out was another one of those Omega tiles on the ground. She had the urge to stand on it. ((Why? How the hell should I know? I'm just a friendly reminder. Heehee.))   
  
After a few seconds she heard something like a rope snapping.   
  
Lara looked up, her arms hanging limply at her sides as the huge shadow fell over her. She didn't even have time to scream as it fell. She just covered her head and closed her eyes.   
  
And nothing happened. She cracked one eye open and peeked up, only to see the giant hammer wasn't moving. She'd been freaking out for nothing.   
  
"Hehehe.....hehe......haha...HAHAHAA---SMASH!!!"   
  
Hey look. The hammer fell.   
  
High above the clouds.....  
  
"Thor what are you doing?? You're not playing with that hammer again are you?"   
  
He stopped and froze, hammer poised to smoosh the little person again.   
  
********  
  
Wow. This has taken so long to write I'll bet you thought I'd given up? Eh.....hello? Come on I know you're still out there! Anybody..? Wait! I see you!   
  
During the writing of this chapter, I've been through two trips to the hospital, once for a spider bite and once for accidently stabbing myself in the foot. Yeah, I'm not too clear on how that happened either. So most of this was written in a kinda painkiller like daze. Which would explain a lot. Oh well. I finally finished it!   
  
~Jessy A. 


End file.
